Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
