A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
