I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
birth control should be required to get into college
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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