Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
