We're facebook friends in real life
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
