: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
