if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
