hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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