the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
