my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
