We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
