So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
