i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
