highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We just shotgunned beers for America
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize