I'm eating all of the evidence.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
