You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I am available for nakedness
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
