The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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