handjob tips. give me some.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
