Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
