Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
