is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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