I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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