i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
