So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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