I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
