After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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