Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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