hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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