Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
