You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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