I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
