If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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