your thong is hanging out like whoa
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Your cock deserves a montage
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
