News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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