Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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