I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
