How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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