Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
