Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize