I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
