Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
