Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
