Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
