i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Text me some of your sweat
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
