he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
