I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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