How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
