i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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