the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
