why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize