I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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