My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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