Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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