shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
