I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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