I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We are two peas in an std pod
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
