Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
