its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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