I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
