very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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