I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
