it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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