wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
