you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
