I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
