I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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