If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
