Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
