I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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