who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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