She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
